Where Have All the Years Gone?
by transcontinental
Summary: Some people leave, other people stay behind. Some people abandon, other people embrace. Some people wig out and join the military, while other people freak and become head-cases who eat way too much ice cream. Guess which kind of person I am?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Please enjoy :)

* * *

Some people leave, other people stay behind. Some people abandon others, other people hold on to all their relationships. Some people wig out and join the fucking military, while other people freak and become crazy neurotic head-cases who eat way too much Ben & Jerry's to be a living breathing human being any longer.

Guess which kind of person I am.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of beautiful beaus. In no particular order, there was my 1st interracial stint with the sweet sensible MC Chris, the oh-so infectious Jay (in this case, the pun is very much intended…although, we've put that past behind us and since then Jay's put his magic stick o'doom back into his pants), the 2nd interracial stint I had with Damien (the next black president…apparently), the "blind date" with Derek thanks to Manny and Crack Head Craig, the momentary lapse off judgment I (unfortunately) willingly endured with Peter, and then there was the mechanic bad boy with a heart of gold and an incredibly hot bod who gave me my first kiss, my first "time", my first pregnancy scare, and my first (second AND third) heart-break.

Sean Cameron.

The name still gives me chills…reminds me of nights in the back of his car, toes curling, synchronized moans, hair pulling, goosebumps, sweat—good lord, I need to get laid immediately.

So it's been years…I'm a working gal now. I teach full time during weeks at none other than Degrassi (when will I move on?) and on weekends I waste my time acting as the "hot-cool" English Lit Professor at the University. I'm twenty-five and all I do is hang out with high school and college students. Well, as far as the college students go, it's okay. I'm extremely young to be a professor and also extremely close in age to them so it's almost like I never left University, but high school kids is pushing it just a tad.

Anyway, as painful as it is, back to the topic at hand.

Sean Cameron.

He was my first boyfriend and ironically enough, I kind of consider him my last boyfriend as well. I mean, sure I dated Damien for a while, but Sean was the last person I had a serious "loving" and _serious_ sexual relationship with…I never really did anything with Damien that could be considered raunchy or even remotely off-hand and…um…dirty as the things I did with Sean so…yeah. Believe me, I'm twenty-five and talking about just how incredibly amazing the kid was in bed _still _makes me blush like a mad woman.

Okay, so the dreams (and yes, I'm talking about sex-kitten wet dreams…how embarrassing) didn't start up (again) until about a month ago and this was because exactly one month ago, as I was walking to the bus stop in order to get dropped off at Degrassi because my total piece of smelly, disgusting SHIT car broke down for the fiftieth time and clearly there was no block-head mechanic boyfriend of mine to fix it, I saw someone who vaguely looked like him. It _was not _Sean, but someone who _vaguely _looked like him! I repeat, **it was not him.** And yet, the same night, Sean was there in my dreams and we were in his car and…cue synchronized moans.

And then the next night…

And then the next night…

And then the next night…

And, holy shit, the saga continues.

It wasn't the first time that had happened. You should've seen the mental relapse I had when I saw Jay after a few years. Seriously, I about choked on nothingness. He walked into a coffee shop I was supposed to visit Manny at to discuss her plans to move to Los Angeles and in walks Jay. Well, Manny freaked out worse, because of obvious reasons. The two did have an actual thing, opposed to the "behind closed…van doors" thing that Jay _and I_ had…or I guess you could call Jay's and my relationship "Operation Gonorrhea". Well, that doesn't matter, because why in the hell would I freak over Jay? Actually what I was freaking over was his auto-shop jumpsuit. Sean worked at the same auto-shop so therefore wore the same jumpsuit, hence Emma going "cuckoo bananas" as Manny put it.

While Manny cowered in a corner internally gushing over the fact that Jay ages the way that people like Johnny Depp and Ryan Reynolds age—i.e. really really really well—I was too busy walking over to him and punching him the arm as hard as my frail fist could…about twelve times. Jay gently grabbed my arm, eyebrows raised, and then (as if a light bulb went off in his peanut head) he looked down at his attire, up at me, and then grinned as though he _was_ the fucking Cheshire Cat. Then he just kind of laughed and made some snide remark about how I haven't changed—yeah right, change is something I'm far too accustomed to these days—and then we all sat down and had coffee while Manny made plans to stay in Toronto after all. Funny how things work out.

So, that night I dreamt about Sean and in the dream he was in his auto-shop jumpsuit.

Life is so unfair.

So this is how it goes now. I, Emma Nelson, do nothing but binge on caffeinated beverages, teach all day, and dream all night.

I repeat, life is _so _unfair.

* * *

The bombs I can take.

The bombs I can take because I've taken bombs before—like when my parents kicked me out. The gunshots, the rapid fire—I can take. The gunshots and rapid fire I can take because it's nothing new. The injuries are painful but nothing I haven't experienced before…but the loss…the loss I can not take.

Waking up everyday with one other person missing in this shitty desert in the middle of nowhere. Waking up everyday knowing the conversation you had with someone who may have been your only friend out here in the middle of nowhere is now gone…it bleeds a needle pinched hole into your heart.

I can't take the loss. I never could.

I can take the bombs, I can take the gunshots, I can take the rapid fire, and I can even take the injuries… but the loss I can not take.

The loss I can not take.

**All righty then...I know Emma is OOC..I just wanted her to have more bite. I want her to be more bitter so therefore her exterior has hardened...that's my excuse for her being like that...and as far as the second bit in Sean's perspective, I wanted him to be in an even more secluded but vulnerable state. My cousin joined the military with the same attitude as Sean and came back from war as an empty shell of a person. Gradually he's become who he used to be, but it's not a lie to say that Iraq messed a part of him up...so, I hope I've explained why the two of them seem a little off. I hope you guys liked the story so far, please review and bring on the constructive criticism. Believe me, I like that sort of junk.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, enjoy :)

* * *

She came. She saw. She conquered.

Well, that was like…ten years ago or something, so it really doesn't matter to me anymore, but to Manny? The girl can hold a grudge…believe me, I've been on the receiving side of a good number of those mad grudge attacks, and when I say mad I definitely mean MAD.

Anyway, so Manny calls me at umpteen o'clock diddly squat in the middle of the early bird morning and is like "Hi, Em, I'm on call shooting a couple of scenes right now, but how about we meet and do lunch, kay hun? Oh! And I'm bringing Jay! See you soon. And, babe, we're at the usual locale—just say you're here for Manuela and they'll let you in! All right, bye sweetie!"

And I'm like, "Thanks a bunch for waking me up way early than I should be up and interrupting my dreams which have recently gotten a hell of a lot more interesting than the likes of you…although I am hungry…"

But, yeah yeah, whatever, we met for lunch and to Manny's dismay _"she" _was there.

And by "she" I, of course, mean the beautiful bombshell red-head who, quote un-quote, "Stole my baby away from me and got him all cracked out!"

Manny does take many things too far, and the fact that Ellie Nash was going to be covering a story for this show Manny's doing a guest spot thing for, just made her…well…"cuckoo bananas".

"Hey, Em! Over here!"

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my phone to check the time. Sure it was Saturday, but I had a class to teach at four so visiting with Manny would be a sort of "dine and dash" affair where I would sit, eat, eat, eat, talk (sort of), watch her and Jay…"converse"…ew, eat, eat, eat, sip at my drink, and then leave before anyone would ask me to help with the tip. It's fool-proof. Get's Manny every time.

"Manny, babe, we're friends and all, but what's with the call at like…negative 2 in the morning? Not enjoyable at all…"

"Oh, I'm so sorry I put a stifle to those delectable dreams of yours Miss Emma Nelson…or should I say Mrs. Cameron?"

I must not kill Manny…

I must not kill Manny…

I must not kill Manny…

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, does anyone have a bazooka handy, and I'm not talking bubblegum!

"MANNY!"

"Yes, dear?"

"Wait, you're having dreams about my good buddy Sean? This is great…I should eat with the two of you more often."

I glared at Jay as he walked over with a tray filled with drinks and sat down next to Manny.

"Oh, hey Jay, fucked any old ladies lately?"

He _was_ drinking coffee. Upon hearing my little contribution to the conversation, he spat the coffee out…it was kind of gross, but oddly gratifying.

"Jesus, Emma! Bite my balls off, why don't you, eh?!"

At this, my eyebrows shot sky-high. Clearly, if you have not yet gathered, my relationship with Jay is much like the relationship one older sister would have with a much younger, stupid, immature, STUPID, retarded, idiotic, _stupid _kid brother, except the sister is the younger of the two and the brother is just flat out brain dead…oh, and they hooked up once a very long time ago.

"You know what, you infectious turd, if you don't recall once upon a time I—"

"WHOA! What is going on?"

And that's when Ellie came and some-what saved the day…some-what dropped a large stink-bomb on it...well, not _my _day. Just Manny's.

"You're the one that's interviewing me?"

I glanced over to Manny whose eyes were wide and accusing. My mind was running in circles. All I wanted was coffee and pie, and what I ended up getting was a headache and a peppery urge to sneeze (you know, the kind of sneeze that won't effing come out!). God, I blame Jay for this…him _and _his tainted weenie.

"Interview?"

Manny turned to Jay with a large smile.

"Yeah, babe, I'm getting interviewed about the engagement!"

"_Engagement?_"

Ellie and I said it simultaneously, but Manny chose to answer me and me only. She kind of…shunned Ellie. I mean, if we were on an island and there were torches and a host, Ellie would have been the one kicked off the island with the torches and the host. I would have stayed…but I'm civilization starved. I can't stay on an island alone with Jay and Manny…I would die.

"Yeah, _Emma_, my engagement…to Jay…I'm going to be Manny Hogart!"

I nodded carefully and grabbed Ellie's arm, forcing her down into the seat beside mine.

"All right, interview, whatever, have fun because I can't deal with this right now…I'm just going to eat and then I got to get to work—"

"Actually, Emma, I need to talk to you."

I groaned and looked over to Jay.

"What, Hoagie? What could you possible need to say to me?"

Jay looked around carefully, making sure nobody was really listening all the much. The secrecy and all was actually kind of funny, but still very curious. Jay was acting more like a psycho than usual. He glanced over at Manny who was too busy having a staring (ahem, glaring) contest with Ellie to notice his odd actions, and then leaned in a tad closer toward me. Yes, I was extremely intrigued.

"I got a phone call today."

Intrigue totally gone...what a dumb ass…

"Jesus, Jay, you made me think for a second that what you were about to say was worth while. Congratulations, even you have friends! Sorry I paid so much attention—now those precious moments of my life will never be spared—"

"From Sean, you retarded bitch."

I looked up at him with wide eyes.

"Sean?"

My voice cracked like that of a pre-pubescent little boy.

* * *

"Will you be attending Van's funeral when you get back home?"

Voices often get lost in the whirl-wind of dust and dirt. When I pictured Afghanistan years ago I pictured sand…endless treks across deserts filled with sand. I got here and now I know it's not sand, it's dirt. It's unclean, unkempt dirt and it sticks to you and fills in the gaps and spaces of your body everywhere and it hurts and it makes you feel grimy and…dirty.

"Yeah…first I'm going to his funeral, gonna give his mother his glasses…stupid glasses…then I'm gonna head out and visit my brother and his kids…my parents…then I guess I'll go home."

The uniform had become just as much of a part of me as the dirt had.

"Any chance of a stop-loss?"

I laughed at this, but it wasn't a funny laugh in the sense that what he said had been a joke. It was a laugh that was to be expected along with an answer that was more than true.

"There's always a chance of a stop-loss, kid…always."

It got real quiet, which was weird. I hadn't heart quiet for a long time. Silence…it is golden. It's underrated. Silence is one of the most beautiful sounds. I want to hear nothing…no more planes, no more gun-shots, no more yelling and screaming.

I'll miss the nights with the guys though. Talking about home. Swapping stories about girlfriends. Sharing family letters. I got a letter from my mom. It said she was proud and that Dad was too. She said she couldn't wait until I could come home and eat some real food.

I can't wait either.

"I'm gonna miss ya, Cameron."

I laughed again…this laugh was more of a "funny" laugh. A light-hearted one. The kind you don't use in the middle of a dirty desert.

"Just don't get shot."

"Man, shut up."

I said goodbye and then left to board a carrier.

I didn't think I would see the day…but now I'm going home.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, and thank you to the reviewers. Please keep them coming! Um, I hope the whole thing with Ellie wasn't confusing, I just wanted to throw her in there because she is going to be a key character in this story and I wanted to somewhat "introduce" her even though she's kind of just...there. All righty...thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, enjoy :)

* * *

"This is a disaster…I feel like I'm in high school again."

Manny gave me an odd look and I frowned. Realization dawned; I was at work, so therefore technically I _was _in a high school. You have no idea how weird it is to be virtually trapped in the same place for more than half of your life…well, over-exaggeration is key, but hey, I feel like I've been in a drama-induced left tit for my whole life. This is my totally warped metaphor for Degrassi. That's what you get when you're an English teacher...

Degrassi; The Drama-Induced Left Tit.

Catchy…they should make a television show out of it.

"I mean like…emotionally."

Manny nodded.

"Yeah…"

Jay's little comment at Manny's set the other day was seriously messing with me. I had to leave before any explanation was given (actually I split like a banana and hauled ass out of there) so all I knew was Sean had called him and he was coming back. That was enough to make me call in to work for a temporary sub and go out in search of my two favorite boyfriends. Ben & Jerry.

But alas came the morning _after _the morning after (of Jay's little life bomb) and I couldn't just bail on work again, hence me being at Degrassi on break and Manny visiting to make sure I hadn't slit my wrists yet (and believe me, at Degrassi...anything is possible). I thought drowning my sorrows in trans-fatty acids was bad but being at work was even worse that salivating in 'Everything But The…' (my favorite Ben & Jerry flavor). Everywhere I looked I saw Sean. _Everywhere_. The place wreaked of memories…good ones, bad ones, scary ones…It was like an Emma scrapbook with Sean written all over it in some seriously intoxicating Sharpie.

"Em, just let it go. He's coming back, so what?"

Cue eyes bugging out my head.

So what?

SO WHAT?

Oh my God...I'm going to have a heart attack…

This is not a time for "so what" this is a time for action! _Rash action_! Maybe…maybe I can move to Mexico. I know, it's a 2 in 1 border hopping 'a fence' (pardon the pun…I know…I should be slapped), but it could prove to be highly educational. Maybe I could bring Ellie and she'll interview me about it (meanwhile Manny marries the devil and Sean plays "best man" in a nice, expensive, amazing looking tux with his hair slicked back and those dimples...)

UHG! This sucks…and blows. It sucks and blows and not the fun kind of "Suck and Blow" you do with cards at parties…I'm talking the shitty kind of suck and blow that gives you social diseases...

"This is huge, Manny! This is…this is…it's Sean, for god sake's!"

"Are you implying that Sean is therefore huge?"

That was funny…

"Manny! This is not the time for jokes related to cash and prizes! This is the time for comforting Emma before her break is over and she has to teach a bunch of kids who make Jay look like a friggin saint!"

"Would you quit with the chronic Jay hating? And Jesus, Emma, you're acting like a crazy person. When's the last time you had sex?"

Believe it or not, I had to stop and ponder for a second…have you ever heard an orchestra of crickets echoing into the pits of your brain? It's kind of nice.

"That's not even remotely relevant."

Yeah right Emma...Manny's totally getting somewhere with this...

"Oh my God. What? Are you saving yourself for this guy? Good Lord!"

"Manny! I'm a woman with certain needs, saving myself for him is a more than impossible feat!"

"Oh, I've seen the guy, it's not that impossible."

"MANNY!"

"Gosh, Emma! You yell my name like that one more time and some kid's gonna pass by and think something's up."

I rolled my eyes.

"Pssh, impossible, you're a girl."

Manny scoffed and then chucked a pencil at my face…but why?

"That was un-called for, Emma!"

…

Oooooh.

"I meant they know I'm not gay! God, Manny!"

* * *

"Sean Cameron?"

It was an odd feeling. I was unsure of what I should say to her. I had Van's glasses in my hand, surely she recognized them, and with them I held his favorite book. He had given it to me a week before the accident. Told me to catch up on my reading…Said I needed to get some-what smart if I wanted to lead a platoon any time soon.

"My boy told me all about you in his letters. Said you were like his brother out there."

You don't meet many good people in your life…well, at least _I_ don't meet many good people in _my_ life; but I know the goods ones when I see them. Van was my best friend out there in the desert and I wish the glasses in my hands were back on his gruff, smiling face, but as _she_ stood in front of me I felt I had to be strong. I had to make sure she would be okay because I thought to myself that that's what Van would've wanted.

"Yes, Mrs. Grayson, I have his glasses—"

She took my by great surprise when she enveloped me into a tight hug, and that's when I realized she didn't need me to be strong. This woman who was at her own son's funeral...she had the heart to dress in bright yellow (at Van's request, I'm sure); she had the heart to wear flowers in her hair; she had the heart to hold her head high; she had the heart to hug a stranger as if he was her own. She didn't need anyone to be strong for her. She was strong enough all on her own.

Van always told me he loved his Mom more than anyone—even his girl, Brenda. I couldn't understand why because I had never experienced that maternal love before, but as Mrs. Grayson separated herself from me and then gave me a genuine smile I realized why she was so important to Van. It was because she loved him so unconditionally and she was willing to love him unconditionally even in his grave.

She looked at my hands and the sadness in her eyes proved overwhelming, but curiously enough the smile on her face grew as well. She gave a laugh; the kind of laugh you never hear the desert. The kind of laugh you never hear at all. It was a sound that was sad but also beautiful. She was remembering her son, and I felt I was intruding.

"He always hated those stupid glasses…said they were too big for his face. Vanny was right…they made his ears look big."

It was like I had known her my whole life.

**

* * *

**

All right. Kind of short...but I really love the part in Sean's POV if I do say so myself...it's kind of dedicated to a friend of the family soo...that's why I love it! I hope everybody enjoys this chapter, and have no fear, very soon the two lovebirds will meet again in all of their "awkward turtle" glory. Reviews are greatly appreciated, please keep them coming!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, enjoy :)

* * *

It's been said that I am a number of things. One is headstrong, another is semi-independent, and another is outspoken, but alas, these three don't even brush the surface of the long list of things I apparently am. I don't really know if 'insane' is on that list, but as I walked into Tony's Auto Shop in search of someone who might has well been given the name Bane of Emma's Existence during birth, I was willing to bet that certain adjective was stamped across my forehead, if not across my 'list'.

"I'm looking for Jay Hogart."

Tony had been eating a sandwich moments prior to my "delerious" request, but he stopped mid-bite, and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. I was a regular costumer at Tony's so he knew the type of relationship I had with Jay (you know, verbally abusive to the point of almost being physically abusive) so it wouldn't be a lie to say Tony was slightly shocked. Fuck it, he looked at me like I was crazy, which, of course, was incredibly appropriate, but I couldn't help but scoff. Another trait on the list of things that I am is 'irritable'. The fact that I've been stressing over my once embraced, now embarrassing dreams, and that fact that the object of my venerations in those dreams may or may not be returning some time in the very near future…well, there's a very thin line between irritable and just flat out angry all the time. Because of my innate ability to stradle the two of these magnificent traits at will, Manny doesn't chill with me on breaks anymore.

"Emma, you know you're asking for Jay, right? As in Jayson Hogart?"

"Yes Tony, I know what I'm asking! Do you know where he is? Will you tell me where the hell he is?"

Tony's eyebrows shot up like bushy fireworks and he shook his head. All the poor guy was trying to do was make a living, and in storms the wicked witch of the crazies, interrogating him like some neurotic she-cop. If Life thinks she can be a bitch—well, look out Life, here I come.

"Emma, I really don't know…he went on break a while ago. Said he was bringing me a present—he was acting like a homo."

"Really You have no idea where he is? At all?"

"Look, kid, I like you, you're a good kid, but I really don't know where that sack of shit potatoes is, okay?"

No, no, no, no, no, no, noooo! I have to talk to that—

"Sack of shit potatoes? I put in hard labor for you, man. How bout you try something new and be appreciative, eh?"

"Yeah, yeah, how bout you try something new and stop being such a smartass," Tony contorted with a glare.

I turned around and actually sighed when I saw Jay. I needed to ask him about that phone call. I needed to know when Sean would be coming back—and not so I could hitchhike to Mexico or call up Craig and Ashley and join their tour or something stupid like that. I needed to know when Sean was coming back so…so I could…well, I don't really know _why _I needed to know when Sean was coming back…I presume it's just another reason to call me insane, but the point is, I just needed to know. It's like how when someone takes a written exam and there's a 50/50 chance of fail or pass...

I needed to know.

"Jay."

Jay looked from Tony to me and his expression morphed from that of ugly to that of ugly _and_ horrified. I had to literally close my eyes in order to keep from rolling them, but even closing my eyes didn't stop me giving an exasperated sigh. Jay just stressed me out. He didn't even have to try...he just...is such a stressful human being!

"What are you doing here?" he asked quicker than it takes for a nomral person to blink.

You know that weird scoff slash laugh thing people do when someone asks a really stupid question?  
I pretty much do that every time Jay speaks.

"Obviously I'm here to see you—but you know what, actually, I'm here because my non-existent car, in other words the one you're supposed to be fixing, needs a tune-up. You don't mind, do ya, Hoagie? Or is money not being put to good use?"

Jay groaned and made a sort of move to grab my arm, but my eyes widened and I took a step back, glaring straight back at him.

"You don't touch me, you jackass."

"Emma, as much as I love your little visits…sort of…you can't be here right now. I have…um…shit to do."

Once again, that weird scoff slash laugh thing…it's a trend in my everyday (hopefully not..) interactions with Jay Hogart and his enormous hollow head.

"You have shit to do? Really? Does that involve actually fixing my car?"

This is me evading the reason why I went to see Jay in the first place. Why am evading the reason why I went to see Jay in the first place? Well, first of all, I like making him look bad in front of his boss (Tony was absolutely _seething _by the way), and second of all, Life may be a bitch and I may be a bigger bitch, but Reality is Bitch to umpteenth power, and I hate her more than carbs and correcting term papers.

"Emma, I don't care how hot you are for me, you gotta get out of here pronto."

"Hot for you!? Jay, why would I ever be hot for _you_? Excluding the fact that we do have some-what of a history that I regret more than fucking anything—no pun intended—I would literally go up Alex way before having the 'hots' for you. And if you didn't get that because you're stupid, I mean you should just stick to lesbians and old ladies you dumb fuck."

"Wow, man…she _hates_ you."

I heard him before I saw him.

For a brief moment I thought I was in one my dreams again, but then it dawned that reality was biting me pretty effing hard right in my ass. She's _such _a bitch.

Things started slowing down in my mind. It was like I was back at college in the basement of my shitty "house" with Manny and a group of other students "studying" via hash minus the pretty colors…and the pretty high.

He didn't look the same but he didn't look different. He had grown up, but he still had those gorgeous eyes and he still smiled the same—and he still gave me that look and that half grin where first only one dimple shows and then the grin gets bigger and you see both of his dimples. He looked stronger and still a little bit delicate…

It took me a second to realize I was staring. It took me two seconds to realize he was staring back.

Jay coughed and laughed nervously.

"Surprise?"

I have **got **to get out of here.

* * *

"That was awesome. I mean, the way she just ran like that? Wow…she's a keeper."

A few years ago, I probably would've punched Jay in the face…Actually, I probably would've punched Jay in the face and then ran after her, but for the first time in my life, there were more important things on my mind than just Emma. So this year, I just laughed what Jay said off.

"You got a job, kid?"

I looked over to Tony. I remember when I was younger and Emma ironed that dumb button-up white shirt for me. It was so I could "impress" my new boss. I tried to explain to her that there was a good chance Tony was just another hardy greaser and if he hired Jay than I would be a shoe-in, but Em insisted on ironing that shirt for me. That was the day I got Spinner to let me take her on a date at The Dot.

I had longer hair back then. I think I'll let it grow out again…

"Not right now—but hold that thought Tony. I'm leaving for a couple of days to see my brother then I'm gonna stop by Wasaga and eat dinner with my parents. My Ma invited me."

"Good for you, Cameron. You got a job here when you come back."

I was happy that Tony was being so cool with me. It was just the type of thing I needed—good old Canadian hospitality—but I kept on thinking about the fact that Emma ran away. She didn't used to be the type of girl that ran away…

But then again, I didn't used to be the type of guy stayed.

**

* * *

Hey, I've been out of town and oddly enough out of reach of internet for the past couple of days because I was visiting family so...sorry it took a few days to update. I hope you guys like this one. Promise to update soon :)**

**Please review! They're greatly appreciated.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, enjoy :)

* * *

"You…ran away?"

I gulped as I watch Manny look up from her script at her mirror to see me pathetically cringing to myself in its reflection. I can't believe I did that…I can't believe I just…ran. I ran all the way down the street to the bus stop and then sat there…and the worst part?

I waited for him. I waited for him to run after me…

It was then I realized something. I was still very much infatuated with the old Sean Cameron. It wasn't just the hots for his bod, like I had suspected due to my dreams. I really was taken with him…but as I sat there at the bus stop watching yet another bus pass me by, I also realized the old Sean Cameron wasn't going to come to rescue just like the old Emma Nelson hadn't stayed behind and toughed out the confrontation.

Did I really just run away? Was the word 'Coward' just added to my list of traits?

The words had been echoing through my brain as I looked at my fingers and waited for the next bus. There was only one answer I could give myself whether I wanted to or not.

"Yeah…" I barely squeaked out.

Manny's eyebrows shot up and she gave me a look that said it all and yet barely even touched down on the surface.

"Wow…you suck."

The words stung, but they were true. I did suck. And I hated myself for that fact…

* * *

My bags seemed to be less heavy as I took them one by one up the stairs of Jay's apartment complex. I would be dropping off my things there to crash for a day or two before heading out to visit Tracker. Over the years he had made a good life for himself, and I was really proud of him. He had a wife; just the type of girl he always wanted. She was a gorgeous Oriental girl who was a bartender and lead guitarist of a local band. They had three kids together; John, Alanis, and Hendrix. I was more than excited to finally meet them.

"Dude! You don't have an elevator?"

Jay leaned over the railing of the flight of stairs he was on and rolled his eyes as I pretended to drag my bag behind me.

"Shut up, Jarhead, and get your lazy ass up here."

I laughed to myself. The platoon would've had a heart attack if they would've heard Jay say that.

"So what are we doing today, man?" I asked as I rushed to catch up to him on the stairs. His place was actually kind of nice. It reminded me of the place my brother and I had lived before Tracker moved out and I went back to Wasaga.

"We are going to visit my girl's set," he replied smiling broadly.

If there was one thing that had changed about Jay over the years that had even been apparent in our phone calls and the occasional letter he sent my way, it was that the kid was head over heels for Manny Santos, of all girls. I always figured he'd get back with Alex and the two would have a happy stoned relationship for the rest of their lives, but oddly enough, Jay and Manny had chemistry and the two were happy. Not to mention the fact that Alex was very much a lesbian, which wasn't that surprising in my opinion; especially after meeting a number of women in Afghanistan who were lesbians and also oddly enough reminded of Alex. I guess they just all act like sadistic, snarky, bitches...but they're nice too.

"Great—you sure you want me to come? I mean, no offense or anything, but if Manny's still as hot as she used to be I might have to steal her away from you, bro."

Jay laughed and then mumbled something I couldn't quite hear but it sounded a hell of a lot like 'Trust me, you won't be looking at Manny.'

"What, dude?"

Jay looked back at me and rolled his eyes again, reaching for my bag.

"I didn't say anything—why don't you head down stairs again so we can get going. I just realized I'm supposed to meet Manny soon for a publicity stunt. You know, interview or something about the engagement. This _hot-shop reporter_ got booked for Manny's story and _I_ just happen to be the center of the piece."

It was my turn to roll my eyes. As great as it was being back home, Jay's enormous ego still took a little bit of time to get used to again. The guy was like a brother to me but…damn, he sure is the flip side of humble.

When we arrived at the set I couldn't believe my eyes. Jay had been right—I didn't even see Manny. I was far too preoccupied with another such girl I had known when I was younger.

"Ellie Nash?"

She spun around, her light auburn hair swaying over her shoulder, and her eyes widened at the sight of me. I was happy to see a smile spread across her lips.

"Sean Cameron," she said back, through her grin. Her brown eyes beamed. I had forgotten what she looked liked…forgotten why I had liked her so much so long ago.

"What are you doing here, hot shot? I thought you had fled the country. Joined up in the Canadian army."

I couldn't help but smile as she spoke. It was so good to see her again.

"Well, Jay unfortunately is still my best friend so I had to come back and pretend to care about his wedding long enough to be the best man."

Ellie laughed.

That was the kind of laugh I missed so much when I was in Afghanistan. The happy, fun-loving laugh you only get from people who are shining optimists who love life. Ellie did shine very much so…but even as I talked with her and even as we made plans to meet up at The Dot before I left to visit Tracker, Ellie was not the woman who was flooding my thoughts.

For one brief moment I wished so hard that she _was _the one that my mind kept on coming back to, but she wasn't. My mind was forever enthralled by the vision of one woman who, although flawed, remained on her rightful pedestal in my brain.

"So, have you talked to Emma lately?"

I looked at Ellie for a long moment. I wanted to build a friendship with her again, that was for sure, but that could wait for tomorrow at three when we would meet up at The Dot.

"Not really, but I plan on stopping by Spike's place later on today."

Ellie's expression changed for a moment. It briefly went from one of sadness to acceptance. I don't know why but as much as I had always loved that about her, it was of a trait of hers that made me hurt inside as well. It was like Ellie never really got to say what she wanted; she just took everything in. I remember her telling me once when we were kids that that is exactly the reason why she loved journalism.

Because she could say everything she wanted to and as long it was in print it would be there forever somewhere, affecting one life at a time.

Her face contorted to that of the humble, happy state it had been in and then she shook her head.

"No, Sean, there's really no need for that. Emma's talking to Manny in Manny's dressing room right now. Why don't you talk to her while I interview Manny and Jay?"

And suddenly, for the first time in a while, I was scared and nervous, and it had nothing to do with gunfire or bombs…

But maybe it had something to do with loss.

**

* * *

**

I'm a little luke-warm about this chapter...Personally I'm not proud of it, but I felt compelled to have a set-up for the big Sean/Emma show-down...and I wanted to introduce Ellie's role to the story as well...hmmm...eh /

**I hope you guys enjoyed it, and as for the reviews, they're awesome when I get them and they're greatly appreciated! Keep them coming, they help me write better, believe it or not. All righty, thanks for reading! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, enjoy :)

* * *

Do you know the feeling you get right before you're about to blow chunks? You know, you're drunk as hell, you barely know where you are, there's people all around but they don't care what you do because they can barely walk straight lines either, and you get this…feeling. This feeling of dread and panic in the back of your mind. For a moment—just one—it starts to diminish; but beware of this moment because if you don't get to a fucking trashcan or toilet fast, the evidence of your drunken escapades will be there on your favorite light brown boots for the rest of your ever-loving life.

I stared at him, my arm laced through Manny's. My eyes were dilated to the point that had someone said I had just smoked pot a number of people would've believed that person; when in all actuality? I was scared out of my mind. I literally felt like I was watching myself. Actually, it was almost like the "me" who was outside of myself, was totally criticizing "me" who trapped in my own body! I was my own heckler! I was over on the other side of the room screaming 'Go for it, you dumbass!' but unfortunately, the "me" who was in control of my body might as well have been on drugs.

"Oh my God…did he follow you here?" Manny asked, a hint of excitement in her voice. I turned to her and shook my head 'no' with wide eyes, reaching over and flicking her in the ear. Of course not! He didn't know me that well, for one; and another hint that that statement was overtly proposterous was the fact that I had been rambling to Manny for over three hours. If he had followed me, he would've met up with me at the bus stop, not three hours later at a set with Jay.

"No, dearest friend," I replied, a little harshly, but I was angry...sue me.

Manny gave me a distressed, sour look for a moment as she reached up and rubbed at her ear—practically cooing it like it was effing Jay. For a moment I thought to myself how funny it would be if she really _did _sue me, the moment passed by and I was hit with the situation at hand once again.

"You have to go talk—oh my God!"Manny exclaimed, a little too loudly, as she pointed in the direction of Sean. "He's talking to the home-wrecker!"

My head snapped toward the direction of Sean…and Ellie. It momentarily became aware in my mind that two _had _been virtually inseparable at one point in their lives…but when Sean and I were together we were all but inseparable as well_…_there was nothing to worry about; Ellie was a good person despite Manny's name-calling, and even Manny herself knew that…I could just talk to her and explain to her my feelings about Sean and—

Wait…what the hell _are _my feelings about Sean? I barely know the guy anymore.

Why was I even hiding?

That's when I realized just how much of a dumbass I _really_ was being. Why was I so set on hiding from this guy that I hadn't even seen for like…almost five years?

BecauseI am _such _a **dumbass**_._

"I have to talk to him."

Manny had been rambling on and on to herself about just how much of a "life-ruin-er" Ellie was, but upon hearing my statement, she shot her gaze toward me—her eyes wide, but encouraging. She grinned and grabbed my forearm, shooting out of the dark hall we had previously been...I guess, spying? Eaves dropping?...in.

"Sean!" she called out loudly, still gripping my forearm as if she thought I was going somewhere. Sean and Ellie both turned to Manny and I barreling toward them. Ellie leaned over and said something to Sean, and I was momentarily put out by the fact that he turned toward her and flashed her a knowing grin. But what hurt more than Sean grinning at Ellie, was Sean _not grinning _at me.

"You gonna run this time?" he questioned as he leaned his upper body against the bar counter behind him and crossed his arms across his chest. His eyebrows were raised, and those pools of blue searched my stare—not like they used to, but it still brought back memories…

A part of me _wanted_ to just dash out of there—but as my eyes quickly glanced to the door I looked up at the EXIT sign and instead of flashing EXIT in bright red, it was flashing COWARD. I couldn't run—no, that would be stupid…that would be something dumbass Emma would do and dumbass Emma sucked weenies.

So I just sighed and shook my head, feeling Manny's grip on my arm loosen as I did so.

"Obviously we need to talk—clear the air on certain subjects."

I noticed Ellie giving him a look. It was like she was trying to telepathically send him the message that she was utterly uncomfortable being in the middle of what was probably going to be a good old-fashioned Degrassi-esque show-down. I also noticed that Sean returned to her a look of sympathy—and a soft, set gaze—and…shit.

_Am I jealous of Ellie?_

My eyes wandered away from the two, although Manny poked me hard in the side, causing me to look back up. They were hugging and Sean was telling her he missed her and Ellie was telling Sean the same thing…

"Don't worry, I'll get her…" Manny whispered mischievously before she started walking toward Ellie and grabbed at Ellie's arm.

"Time to go interview! Oh, and Sean? Next time at least acknowledge my presence, you asshole," she said with a grin on her face.

I rolled my eyes, but smiled nonetheless as Sean stared after Manny with a look of surprise and guilt on his face. I remember when I was younger—sometimes it was easy to read exactly what Sean was thinking; but other times he was just too complicated to decipher. We got into fights a lot—but we always…we always made up in the end. I remember being so miserable when he was dating Ellie—even worse before than that when he was dating Amy. I felt worse when he was dating Amy because at least Ellie was impartial to public displays of affection. Do you know how hard it is to watch someone who you previously had a loving, nurturing relationship with making out with one of the most developed girls at school?

Try shooting yourself in the heart two-thousand times with a BB gun and then finishing off the job with a bazooka. Oh, and first remember to sacrifice yourself to a busy street during rush hour as well—and while your at it, might as well set yourself on fire too! Pyro-tactics can only ever be a good thing in that sort of situation.

As my mind wandered to that particular time in my life, I was almost completely unaware that Sean was giving me an odd look. I mean, for someone who had just asked him to talk, I wasn't exactly obliging to my own request. I was knocked out of my thoughts when I heard Sean clear his throat. He was looking at me expectantly, but then he just shook his head and fixed me with a questioning stare.

"What the hell were you doing at Tony's anyway? He told Jay and me that you practically shit twice and hemorrhaged when he told you he didn't know where Jay was…why were you there, Em? And why were you there to see Jay, of all people?"

My eyes widened. How many times can you say the word 'shit' over and over in your mind before it becomes shshshshshsh? Let me think—uh, somewhere around fifteen…

"Emma?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows as he spoke.

I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't tell the truth—that would just be…utterly embarrassing…and the situation was already _so _awkward turtle, I could barely stand it.

_What do I do?_

"Jay's fixing my car."

I said it before I thought it through, and then I actually reasoned with myself and applauded myself when I realized, well...it _is _the truth…

Sean fixed me with an unsure look, but shook his head as though he chose to accept this answer for the time being anyway.

Thank God for that…

* * *

When Emma and Manny had been walking toward Ellie and I, and Ellie had leaned over and childishly whispered an 'I told you so!' in my ear, I couldn't help but smile—but not only because of Ellie. I was also smiling because of the fact that physically, Emma had only become even more stunning, if that was humanly possible. She was just as beautiful, if not more-so, than the last time I had saw her—but there was also something very off about her. She wasn't…the same. There wasn't anything particularly missing; it was more as if she had just sort of…rearranged herself.

After I had asked her about why she was at Tony's to see Jay, her face had flushed and she looked incredibly nervous. I knew her change in posture meant that she was contemplating something—almost as if she was contemplating lying to me—but when she looked at me and told me 'Jay's fixing my car' (not really an answer, but okay for right now…) I noticed she wasn't really looking me in the eye. Her gaze hovered just below my eyes…like she was trying to hide the fact that she didn't like the subject at hand. Although a strong part of me wanted to know why this subject was so fragile for her, an even stronger part of me told me that I just needed to drop it and bring it up later. Besides I needed to get the point.

"Emma, what happened?"

She looked at questioningly. I sighed to myself, closing my eyes, and chose my words very carefully when I spoke next.

"I mean, why did you just ignore me?"

I saw her face immediately fall, and a tiny part of me was extremely happy about this. There had been a point in time when I was in Afghanistan where I would send Emma letters every chance I could. I would try to call her when there was a free chance to use a phone, and I would try to communicate with her in every way I could…but Emma never sent a letter back. She never picked up her phone.

One particular day I had been sitting outside staring at the picture I had taken with her when I had stayed at her house. A dirt storm, as we had been accustomed to calling the 'sand storms', was picking up, and dirt was slapping me across my face and the parts of my body that my uniform seemed to neglect to cover all the way. It felt like a thousand tiny knives poking me all over; but I still just sat there and stared at the dumb picture, before Van had run up to me and started yelling at me to get inside before I get black lungs from all the dirt. When he grabbed the back of my heavy camouflage jacket in order to pull me out of the dirt storm, I had let go of the picture and watched it until I couldn't see it any longer.

To this day, I'm still unsure of whether or not I did it on purpose.

"I don't know why."

I watched her carefully. Her voice had been low and shameful, and she wouldn't even look at me. She just…looked at her feet. She was so defeated.

This most definitely wasn't the Emma I had left behind. The Emma I had left behind had been a strong-willed, independent woman with gusto to spare and a giving heart. The Emma I left behind had flaws, but she more than deserved to be placed on a pedestal in my mind. She was beautiful inside and out and I loved her so much.

But the Emma in front of me?

She looked more like the thin shadow of something that used to be; and although I definately thought I would **never **see the day, Emma's pedestal seemed to collapse to the ground in my mind, leaving her scared and unsure of herself.

**

* * *

**

Well...there you go! I hope everyone liked this one...I actually really enjoyed writing it...I don't particularly know why but I really enjoyed writing this one...hmm...all right, well I'll update soon! Please review, they're greatly appreciated and I love them!


End file.
